I can’t open the gorram door to my ‘new’ apartment. Oh, its shite. Its such crap. Bugs. Smell of fresh white cheap paint. Shit falling apart. Shitty apartment complex covered in fresh paint to make it look alright from the street. Mud and trash and loud upstairs neighbors. AAAAAHHHH!!!!!
Dammitall. Keep telling myself its temporary and won’t be for long and it’ll be ok and we’ve lived in worse. But oh its gonna suck.
I’m overthinking it, I tend to do that which is one reason I drink, to make all the thinking stop. Oy.
Want my aminal with me, he makes me forget all the realities that suck the soul out of me. He makes me smile. Don’t remember if I wrote about this already or not, but Dave asked me what I see in him. How to answer that? He’s funny, and not in the same way as anyone else. The punning is a guilty pleasure I hate to admit. Interesting phenomenon: I love language and words and playing with meanings. But a pun still makes one scroan. ;p
He is a gentleman. More so than any man I’ve known under the age of 60, I think. The way Jackie said it is, “He respects you, and it shows.” And it’s not just me.
I suppose one must consider his mother responsible for some of his awesomeness, even if I don’t wanna. That comment of hers still hurts my feelins. Isn’t that silly?
I think I am paranoid about other people’s opinions as to my motives and intentions with him. His mother’s ideas, Dave’s ideas, and that of other unnamed folks who think it has something to do with his financial status.
It doesn’t. I know myself, even if I don’t want to admit it most of the time. I wanted him when I visited in Aug. last year. Before he had any hint of the job yet.
Hell, probly woulda gone for it when I went back to Grants. Mighta been awkward though, since he had a girlfriend and Dave drove us there in his mom’s car.
But c’mon – only a couple of people I really tried to make sure I got to see. And I had driven to M&S place exactly once before, couple of years before. How long was he there before I decided I had to visit?
I very much remember being frustrated because I couldn’t think of any excuse to be next to him most of the time, especially that night fishing shindig. Dark, outdoors, booze? Dammitall, who would really rather fish, I ask you?
Which shows regardless that he is a better person than I am.
But no nada nothing happened, not even in-person flirting much. Therefore I very much resent accusations of ulterior motives. Being told that I was using Mr. Whinypants until Mr. Right came along. (Exactly what he actually said!) Yeah. Planned it all years in advance – getting K to break up with his girlfriend, getting him to move to tornado country, getting him to visit Tulsa. I shoulda.
Loving every minute I get to spend with him. Pouting the rest of the time. Still nervous and shy with him, silly as it is. All this other crap pissing me off, going wrong. Forgets it and smiles with him. Therefore, need him around.
