old man liver

also known as Bitch'n Mona

a post in which to bitch about Old Man. who I shall credit for some of the damage to my liver. and psyche.

I think I don’t know how to deal with a man who’s not evil. Like, he’s not abusive or selling drugs or alcoholic or severely narcissistic or 15 years old or married or. . . .oh fuck. K, technically, legally, he’s still married. So. there’s that. Otherwise? just an old man that I’m ’bout tired of.

i ought to go to bed

This is some dreck that’s been sitting in my drafts folder since last October. Not really sure why. Maybe just so sober me could proofread and edit for drunk me?

(pics & snarky comments added later.)

"In sleep, you are safe from the revolting mechanics of living and being a prey to outrageous fortune." Taylor Caldwell

 

If it’s night, I ought to go to bed. If it’s daytime, I am in bed. and probably ought to get the fuck up. ain’t it funny?

Another Day Older and Deeper in Debt

Well, they take turns actually.

lemme just say real quick, on the subject of employment:::

Anybody would be LUCKY to have me!!! I’m more than smart. I’m practical. I’m honest. I’m helpful. I really do give a shit. And I’ve got common sense (about most things) ((STFU)) which is more than most people. ever, anywhere.

quickies

I’m told that I’m a mean drunk. would like to get a second opinion.

I rather feel like work is a hamster wheel and I’m just trotting along all clueless.

Pro-craft-ination

List of stuff I wanna craft, intend to craft, all that jazz.

I have discovered several bits and pieces I want to do, like re-vamping old clothes. putting somethin cute over a hole or a stain, hemming, make shorts out of pants, all that jazz.

Which is a gateway drug into getting my sewing machine running away with itself, and then I start thinking about the patchwork denim quilt I want to do, or the quilt made of Scout t-shirts….

At some point I come back to my senses and decide I should finish projects I chose to start a year ago.

And I found plarn! I have discovered plarn and V-yarn!!! joy joys, making stuff with vcr and cassette tape. little shiny bags! from a site so awesome I forgot to breathe for a minute, www.myrecycledbags.com. Sooo many good ideas here, I may start bugging her for more denim patterns. So, I want to try a vcr tape project first, probably a bag of some kind. the cassette tape is smaller, so more of a girly bag project. or hair barrettes….yeah. gettin ideas, I love that.

So, I’ve had a goal for a while to crochet a reversible swiffer sock and keep getting closer, might actually pick out yarn tomorrow. I’ve got a pattern! Found on Ravelry, with a truly wonderful tute, lots of pics, for a Reversible Swiffer Sock.

Reversible Swiffer Sock by Linda Permann

Next idea on the list is for a rag rug made of t-yarn (t-shirt strips as yarn) but I don’t want to do the traditional round rag rug, so I’m experimenting with pattern ideas. But I want a rug in the kitchen, and now I saw a pattern for a little rug made with recycled plastic, like bread bags, everything in a plastic bag, y’know? So you make yarn from it, make a rug from it, and put it under the trash can!! keeps the floor clean. I love it!

Have I mentioned the boobies yet?

I have decided that I shall knit some knockers. There’s a great site explaining the whole thing here, but basically they are knit (or crochet) prosthetic breasts for women who have had mastectomies.

and I think there might be a yarn sale coming up at Michael’s…….

Sentimental & Pissy, Pouty & Bitchy

(Previously posted with the Atheist Christmas post. I’m giving this rant its own spot in the interests of keeping things tidy.)

Oprah of course is the queen of sentimental. I’m watching her now, a duet show with a bunch of artists from different genres singing together. Andrea Bocelli and Mary J Blige. How awesome is that? Advert for Oprah at the White House, Christmas special. They don’t have to decide between paying the water bill and buying Christmas. I’ll beg and plead with the water company, buy some Christmas. My kids are so good, they have gotten so much less than other kids, and deserved it more, and they know it, and they are so good about it. They don’t ask for too much, they don’t complain. They are so happy about what they get. They deserve more than I can give them. But I do my damndest and that’s a lot more than some kids get. But that’s not something I can wrap and put under the tree. They are so good. They have never complained. And they had every right to.

Pre-Existing Condition – Can’t Wait for Health Care Reform

I feel very bitch/babble/rant tonight. Awake, as always. Ok, my spacebar isn’t cooperating. That just pisses me off. Lets start there…

just something to make it until tomorrow again

no

I’m so not good right now. It’s nearly 6 am. I’m still up. Getting kinda goofy now, but not really sleepy. haven’t been sleeping much for a week or so now. yes, I have pills that’ll knock me out. but all day I feel so tired, so depressed, so nothing…  then at night, I have energy, I want to do things, I cleaned the kitchen and made dinner and did some laundry. I cleaned some.  I almost organized all the movies. thought about adding books to my database. I’d like to have lists, on my computer y’know, of all my books, and movies. I always think I have stuff, like, “Oh, I have that movie” or “I don’t have that book yet, I’ll buy it.”  which is how I end up with 3 copies of Needful Things. which isn’t one of my faves.

So lets try to get it all out, right? nobody is reading this, I’m not bothering anyone. I’m all twitchy because I don’t want to wake anyone up, making noise. my cats have fleas. the little one was swarmed when I got him, and he’s being treated. Sprayed with Adam’s thoroughly and often. We see the fleas dropping off him afterwards. I was getting snuggles from Big Love earlier and saw several fleas in his fur. He doesn’t seem to mind them much, which is why I didn’t know he had them. Ferg has some skin thing going on, so he’s always scratching. I keep telling myself I’m going to start giving him regular baths with head & shoulders, see if it helps. But we’ve got to get rid of the damn fleas. I think maybe I’m just about fucking over this climate. You really don’t appreciate something until it’s gone. I always complained that I hated the desert, wanted to live somewhere green and alive. well, there’s lots of alive. and a lot of it is icky and crawly and evil. roaches in the kitchen, fleas on the cats, and I can’t walk down the street without being paranoid that a tick is going to paratroop down onto me and get frisky. I get rather twitchy just thinking about it. I don’t like bugs. admitting, even to myself, that my kitchen has roaches just kills me. I never say their name. I just say there’s ‘bugs’ in the kitchen. it makes me feel like such trash, ghetto disgusting things. Cat messes and kid messes I can deal with. just take away the insects.

in case you can’t tell, the reason I’m so upset about the bugs is because I can’t do anything about them. I do try to kill the ‘bugs’ in the kitchen, to keep it clean, put the traps and power around, all that jazz. but it does rather seem like they are impossible to get rid of. I fucking hate them. and I feel guilty about the cats. I should be able to take care of them and provide for them properly. but I can’t afford to frontline them all. I’m mad at myself.

I’m sorta kinda looking for work. sent out my resume, but I’m awful at cover letters. and I don’t customize my resume for each job. it’s so stressful, I want it to be perfect, the awesome resume and cover letter, different and unique but reassuring and confidence-inspiring. and I know they’re not, and I don’t know how to make them be. I google it every time, how to write an awesome resume & letter, it just all seems so cliche and manipulative. and I don’t really want to go back to work. I’ve gotten in a rut, lounge around, watch TV, munching & grazing. I bitch & moan every time I have to wear a bra and any pants other than pajamas. seriously, all my laundry is pajamas. I hated getting up early and always being late anyway, frustrations and stresses of work, the constant battle against the clock vs. the paycheck. like, yes I would love to leave early on fridays. but I’m also fond of having electricity and a phone. it just fucking blows. and I know that I could do things from home, could probably do fairly well at it. editing, proofreading, maybe even writing. I just don’t know where to go, how not to get scammed. I need to do something. the holidays are coming up and we just keep getting further behind.

a collections agent actually got ahold of me last week. someone switched to a new collections company, so the number was new, and I answered it. I talked to the woman honestly, said, yes I know I owe money. but being unemployed means I don’t have the means to do a damn thing about it. and she said something about me needing to be aware of the consequences. um, yeah. thanks. y’know, I’m already going to the free crazy clinic for my prozac and ambien. they don’t generally prescribe the heavy stuff. if I can’t have some valium, I need everyone to stay off my back.

boy 2 is giving me stress. trouble at school, trouble at scouts. lying and acting out, I know he’s snowing this counselor just like he did the last one. of course if he’s getting one-on-one attention he’s great. that’s what he wants out of life. but the rest of the time, when someone isn’t being paid (once again, at the guv’ment welfare clinic) to listen to him, he still wants at least that much attention. and he will manufacture anything and everything to get it. hence the problems. there is no attention to be gained by quietly learning or doing homework. and I feel so shitty every time I shoo him away or tell him to wait a minute when he starts talking. but I know he knows when I’m trying to do something, or pay attention to something else, or trying to defuse a bomb, and that’s when he is the most insistent that he needs to ask me if ferrets could live on the moon and he wants a roller coaster for christmas. valium? pls? ativan. lithium. thorazine? vodka. but that occasionally causes projectile vomiting of a truly impressive distance. and volume. which generates a lot of cleaning for me, hence the downside. and I don’t want my kids on the montel williams show talking about mom the drunk. I mean, it’s true, I just don’t want it to be obvious.

a couple of times now I have taken the ambien and stayed up on purpose. it’s rather groovy feeling, floaty-like. but I’m still feeling productive, want to get stuff done. get the crock pot going, including actual potatoes that I peeled and chopped me-self. send out a resume or two and make a couple of phone calls. actually, what I really really want is to go buy the fourth season of Bones. I think it’s getting sick. I NEED to look at all the bills, see what someone is about to shut off and pay it. pay the rest of the rent. hey, guess what we’re not gonna have on Dec. 1st! RENT MONEY! they’ve been very nice thus far, but they are hinting that they have other properties, like apartments, that we might be able to better afford. jesus humping christ on a silver crutch, I really hate apartments. I hate shit jobs, call centers, cashiers, ‘customer service associates.’ drones. sheep. shit on the bottom of one’s shoe. I feel like I’m better than that, worth more than that. but how do I convince a total stranger of that within a minute? getting a job isn’t exactly cake and pie right now. and looking for him too. I thought I was lazy and unmotivated. wow. maybe that’s one reason I let him stick around. makes me feel less lazy and awful. but at the same time, depressing and dragging my ass down with him. it’s the sort of thing I excell at. finding a guy who can ruin my life in as many ways as possible in the shortest amount of time, and hanging on to him like my life depended on it, rather than being rational and moving onward and upward. well, down with the ship then, captain! how else?

so why don’t I want to sleep? why have I been up all night? avoiding the pills that’ll knock me out for a while. time is going by too quickly. I keep telling myself I’m going to do things, make it better, suck it up, be an adult and fix it. and then I sleep all day and think about how shitty it all is and how it’s never going to get better.

depressed, adopt another cat, eat some chocolate, look at lolcats.

and another day is gone, and another day is gone.

I don’t want to get dressed and go to scouts,

I don’t want to get dressed and go to the grocery store,

I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to think about anything.

I’ll think about it tomorrow.

tomorrow is another day, can’t think about it today,

can’t do anything about it today,

they’re probably out to lunch or they’re closed by now

or I can’t do it right now, I need to find a paper first.

something anything a pill a drink a funny

to make it all stop.

for another day.

wait, what?

and I'm losing my religion...

I don’t really know what I’m doing here right now.  I just took the Pill. Ambien is wonderful stuff. If one doesn’t knock me out within 30 minutes, I take another. Sure, if I was employed I would quickly become unemployed again, for much the same reasons I became unemployed to begin with. But sleep is one of the most wonderful things on earth. It sucks so fuckin bad not to be able to GO to sleep. I’m not gonna bitch about wanting to STAY asleep longer in the morning. or afternoon, whatever. the boyfriend sleeps about 18 hours a day, and he’s not taking a sleeping pill. and he doesn’t care one way or the other if he stays in bed all day or does something constructive. I just don’t get it I guess.