You have no idea

He was the best human being I have ever known. She is amazing; charitable and giving and kind. He was, is, better.

She gave us a home when she didn’t have to. He loved us though he had absolutely no reason to.

He was funny. And smart. And…amazing. In every way. If I had one wish, I would have wanted to have really been related to him. (Instead of you.)

You inserted yourself into everything about him that was not yours.

His funeral should have been about him. His family. His friends. His life.

You inserted yourself where you did not beling. By the coffin…his wife..and you?

Not, his children. His grandchildren. His siblings. You?

You barely knew him. You didn’t love him. You absolutely did not deserve a place near him at his grave.

You decided that his wife could do better. He was the best thing to ever happen to her. To me. To my sister. To much of the world. How entitled can anyone be?!?!

You didn’t know him. So shut up about things you can’t possibly understand. You know about failure, so I understand your confusion. Golden was better. Bonnie is beautiful and tries for better. You bring her down. Golden was the best thing to happen to her. And to me. And to you, sad as that is.

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where’s my love!?!?

I work a customer service job. “Cashier” basically. I fucking love my customers. Not even doing it for recognition, that never happens. But…my customers Goddamn love me. As they should. I LEAP that extra mile. And i know my bosses wil probably never know it. But my people love me. That’s what matters. My customers leave with a smile, on their face and in their heart. I really do love my customers.

PTS Fuckin D?

How can one

Have legit PTSD…

Nightmares, flashbacks, terrors…

From a fucking RELATIONSHIP?

 

If I go near that intersection…

I am instantly there, again

February 8, 2014.

I had learned that 2 of

my very favorite aunts

had both passed away

within days of each other.

And I was driving home from work

consoling myself with the loved ones I still had.

Counted you among them.

“I think we’re done.”

And my world stopped.

I can tell you the exact place at that intersection I was at when it happened.

I have nightmares about you all the time.

The worst ones are when you are nice and sweet to me.

Because I believed in you,

I always do.

Fool that I am.

 

It’s been such a long time,

Subjectively…

Yet

I am still so very fucked up.

I do not believe you have

any power over me.

I believe

I have power over you.

 

You know you are a lowly, despicable beast.

You know your very soul is forfeit.

And you are afraid.

 

As you should be.

Murder-y thoughts (and plans)

I really just think some people deserve to be murdered. And some of them, I deserve to murder.

Had a very heartfelt discussion with my boyfriend about forgiveness/therapy etc. Like, therapists are all about “you need to forgive people so you can forgive and move on.”

And I don’t get that. Continue reading “Murder-y thoughts (and plans)”

I know, old news, but…

I do that, to be fair.

Leave off for quite a while, give no one any update, and then I’m there. So.

Decent. Loved. Manageable. Tolerable. Etc.

Depends on who you are, what the questions might be from here.

I’m alright. Really, really. So, there’s that.

The kids are great. School is good, grades are good. Nothing to report, there.

Yes, it’s that last guy. Tim. The Library one. Yes. I know. It’s lovely. I know. Really.

Would you like to hear about my cats? Currently 2 of them are high on catnip. They’re too cute. Sooooo fuckin high, though. Yeah, it’s just cute though. High as shit. But generally they love each other, and the other cat doesn’t really care about nip, so. I have 3 happy kits. If I had a bigger house I would have so many more cats. But there are 3 outside that I feed. They are obese, so I’m putting them on a bit of a diet. Yup.
And also the mouse at my boyfriend’s apartment. I’ve named him Bernard. I feed him. I’ve made it clear that his life is valuable to me. I hope/think boyfriend is aware. But I totally give Bernard leftovers. And boyfriend now calls him by name. So, there’s that.

Tim

“Wow, this is getting a little hard.”
“It wasn’t just because he was naked!” (Naked man.)

No idea what that’s about, but ok.
So, him. Tim. The New Guy. As such. Have I terrified him away already? Sucks if so. But if no….what’s it gonna take? I just don’t fucking know.

He’s been here once. Had an allergy fit from the cats. Didn’t complain
It was awfully sweet.

He was snuggly and sweet, and even now, just wants me to come see him. So I shall.

New

I just must say, somewhere mildly free, that I really really like this guy. He’s cute, he’s a librarian, even if he says that’s not technically his job title. He’s so very sweet. I have tingles I haven’t had in ages. It’s fun.